The dog and I go on a lot of walks, some short, some shorter and then there are those that are long. I live in a small village, the nearest shop is around 3 miles away. My bladder isn’t what it used to be ( it used to be able to hold around 3-4 pints of Carling Black Label in the early 80’s.
I normally wait until at least an hour after drinking a cuppa and pee at least twice before going out on our walks to avoid the inevitable.
I felt pee prepared yesterday as we set off, it was a lovely walk, a different route but one that the dog loves. On these walks it’s unusual to bump into anybody else, occasionally a car or tractor may pass by but other than that nothing.
After a while I made the mistake of wondering whether my bladder was going to behave until I got home, it’s always the worst thing to do. I did that thing where you kind of frown and do that internal thing ( I don’t know what it’s called) where you try to sense if you need to pee, like before leaving the house to go on a long journey. This was a mistake I know, this has happened to me many times before. I did the check and felt my bladder was being good, then suddenly I got an overwhelming urge to go !
I was walking down a single track lane with fields on either side, on the left hand side were 4 steps up into a field leading to a public footpath. I was unfastening my trousers as I was mounting the stairs , dragging the dog up at the same time. I had to pull my pants down immediately, no time to hide, I squatted and the relieve was instant. At the same time a Land Rover drove past towing a trailer full of men with shotguns, they were cheering loudly as they drove past my massive arse. I hope none of them recognised my bum, they may have recognised the dog though, it is quite distinctive.
I am going to doctor some of my existing trousers or bottoms and create a discreet opening, this way I will be able to micturate discreetly when out and about. I’m not ready for Tena Lady’s just yet. There’s a company in America that makes trousers/leggings like this, they are called Chick Fly and cost around $100. I’m thinking if mine work successfully for me I might apply for Dragons Den and market them as ‘Piss Flap’. Did you see what I did there.
I like to listen to audiobooks or podcasts when I’m walking, my latest listen is Miriam Margolyes ( predictive text for Margolyes is Gargoyles ha ha ). I have a kind of love /cringe relationship ( I know it’s not a relationship but you get my drift) with Miriam, she is so POSH and so rude ! I listen to these audiobooks/podcasts on loudspeaker as I can’t stand earphones, it isn’t intrusive to others and I don’t normally see anyone else when we’re out and about. Yesterday I was walking through the village and as I was passing the house of a very nice couple, the man came out just as Miriam piped up ” Would you like me to suck your cock ?’ Miriam is not coming out on another dog walk.
Non Sei Tu 